FOS SUMMARY - The Lord of the Rings-Living the Sacraments

Marriage (I):  Union Restored

Emptying and Dependency

by Dorothy Poli & Daniel Padovano & Helen Tellas

November 11, 2008

Marriage in Orthodoxy is a Sacrament, a living, spiritual and sacred event.  The Orthodox wedding service does not include vows as in the western church traditions.  In the western traditions, marriage is seen more in a legalistic, contractual light. Hence, the concept of vows such as promising to “love, honor, cherish and obey.”  The western, contractual notion of marriage is “horizontal” between two people.   In Orthodoxy, the notion is vertical in that it only involves God.  The couple does not have to be validated by each other.  Only God can do the giving since we belong to God.  We do not give ourselves to each other through vows because we do not belong to ourselves. We are God’s children and we ask God to do the giving and bring two people together.  We offer ourselves back to God and He offers us to one another.  It is an issue of ownership. 

Similarly, a mother brings her baby to church 40 days after its birth.  The baby is a gift from God and belongs to God.  The parents offer the child, which they co-created with God, back to the child’s Progenitor as acknowledgment of God’s love and gift to them.  The priest elevates the baby as an offering to God.  The baby is sanctified by the Church and offered back to the parents to be the stewards of this new life.  Both the offering of ourselves in marriage and our children back to God are our priestly actions.

Restoring Spiritual Union

In Orthodoxy, marriage is seen as a restorative sacrament, recreating the union of Adam and Eve in Paradise before the Fall, to its original intent, the way God wanted it to be (ontology).  When Adam and Eve fell and were driven from the Garden of Eden, creation, all of creation became dysfunctional and chaotic; of a lower quality and less than what it was originally intended for.  After no longer being in union with God, the love and relationship between Adam and Eve became disfigured and broken.  In general, nothing is the way it is supposed to be when not united with God. 

A Sacrament is intended to restore and recreate what once was. When we partake of the Sacraments, we are asking the Church to restore us to our original purpose and state; being united with God.

In this sense, marriage restores man and woman; it completes them and as creations of God, brings them into the fullness of creation.  Man and woman complement each other, united in marriage, the two parts of humanity are brought back together full and complete.  Hence Jesus’ saying that for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife becoming one flesh (Gen 2:24 and Eph. 5:31).

At creation, God takes one of ribs of Adam (who represents mankind) and creates woman (Eve).  Eve was already part of Adam and is formed from Adam.  Adam shares an existence with Eve and is not complete without her, nor is she without him.  Man and woman (all humans) are created as “social beings”. We are not meant to live alone as isolated islands, but as members of a community.

In the ultimate joining of man and woman, in a loving spiritually-based union (by marriage) woman takes from man and, in return, gives life (children). This cannot happen without both; a man is neither able to create nor carry life; the woman can. This joining is a full expression of love and dependency. In the act of loving, is the only instance in which man and woman can share what God alone can do: create life. In essence this is a sacred act and as such, should be within the rubrics of a consecrated institution, marriage. This is a full sharing and dependency of both partners.

In marriage, both spouses give of each other and to each other totally and unconditionally. The individual self is emptied and is in service to the spouse. They fulfill each other emotionally, spiritually, physically. This is a total sharing and they should eliminate secret stashes or other secrets.  Marriage is meant to be a state of sharing, dependency (on each other) as well as respect, love and equality. The “me” is to give way to the “us”.  The spouses share themselves fully with each other, sacrificing oneself for the other, as Jesus did for us.  Through this the couple grows in love and, therefore, also in the image and likeness of God.

The journey of marriage has difficulties over time but those in it have a responsibility to persevere.  According to Fr. Frank, individualism is the cancer of marriage and the risk to fall into individualism is high without Christ in them, especially when difficulties are encountered.  Christ’s love for each of His children is there to sustain and carry the love between the two people.  And with Christ in an individual, a man or woman can sacrifice for and love his or her spouse more than he or she could on their own.

Marriage in Heaven:  Jesus was asked about the status of the widow whose husband died and then married his six brothers, all of whom died, and after them she too died. In these passages (Matt. 22:23-33, Mark 12: 18-27 and Luke 20:27-40), the Sadducees and Herodians asked Jesus “Whose wife was she? Jesus answered that none of them belonged to each other because in heaven, man and woman neither marry nor are married but are all like angels standing before God. Relationships in heaven will be different, spiritual in nature and akin to the ongoing theosis we will experience after our own deaths.

The two bookends of Jesus’ ministry are set by miracles.  At the start of his ministry, Jesus’ first miracle is at the wedding feast of Cana. Here Jesus turns jars of water into wine. Here is a family celebration and the setting for this miracle is symbolic of the Church. Jesus turns the water into wine, the very element that is the center of church worship as it is the wine that becomes the saving Blood of Jesus.  The second bookend, Jesus’ final miracle is the Resurrection. During the liturgies of Holy Week, Jesus is called the Bridegroom. His “bookend” miracles which buttress and frame his life are instituted by blood.  Just as Jesus as Bridegroom, sheds His Blood to redeem and save His Bride, the Church, so is the loving husband is willing to sacrifice himself for his wife.

THE WEDDING CEREMONY

The Orthodox wedding ceremony is composed of two parts. The first part which includes the blessing of the rings is the Betrothal ceremony. As in Old Testament times, a betrothal was seen as equivalent as marriage, except that the man and woman were not yet living under the same roof. They were promised to each other, but had not yet consummated the marriage. In ancient times, this allowed time for the dowry to be raised and man to gather resources.

Betrothal – Blessing of the Rings

The ring blessing originally was performed in the narthex and then everyone went home. The actual marriage would occur days later.  In current practice, the rings are blessed on the solea with the Crowning (“Stepsis”) ceremony immediately following.  When the rings are blessed, the priest beseeches God to bless the couple by guiding them in every good work.  God unites the couple.  Each spouse gives of him / herself selflessly to each other.

In Orthodox theology, the new husband and wife are establishing their own church in their new home. In essence, the husband and wife are the king and queen in their abode. The rings symbolize this as in earlier times, it was the king whose Signet ring showing the crest of the family’s origin (ontological), served as his marker. That is, by using his ring as a credit card, the kingdom (household) could purchase supplies on his credit. When the king married, his wife would use the ring in the same manner, in the king’s name and with the king’s authority. In his absence, she was his representative.

By sharing rings, the husband is saying: “I give to you everything, all that I am, including the right to buy on my credit line” The wife in turn is doing the same thing as both spouses bring their resources together to share and establish and build their new house.  This is the first step in giving of oneself to the other.

This emptying / sharing of the self includes the willingness to give one’s life if need be, in the same manner that Jesus gave His life for us and the Church. If one is not able to give of oneself spiritually, how then can one give of oneself physically?  How is it that two people do not share finances with each other, but can share their bodies?

The priest blesses the rings by making the sign of the cross over them; this is repeated three times. This is done to bond them together in God.  God is ‘completing’ them. The rings are resting on the Evangelion, the icon of Jesus.  Prayers are said over the couple, one of which asks God to bless them with enough to share with others.

The rings are then exchanged three times between husband and wife (on the right hand because in church theology this is the hand that blesses). This is to symbolize the equality and completeness between husband and wife.  Both have become one; the whole greater than the sum of its parts. The prayer said at the exchanging of the rings commemorates the Prodigal Son (Luke 15: 11-32).   When the Prodigal son returns home, his father gives him a ring. This ring symbolizes that the son who lost everything when he left he has regained his place in his father’s house. In similar vein, the married couple have now regained their place in God’s kingdom, having been restored to the pre-fall status.

The priest will begin the marriage ceremony (the Betrothal) by saying “Blessed is our God.” In contrast the Crowning ceremony starts with the priest saying: “Blessed is the Kingdom of our God…” this is the beginning phrase of a sacramental liturgy. The difference is that the first blessing is for a non-sacramental liturgy such as vespers. The second blessing is for a sacramental liturgy. As we move from the Betrothal (which is less than marriage) to the Crowning ceremony (the actual marriage) we move from a lesser state to a fuller state.

Stepsis - Crowning Ceremony

In the Crowning ceremony, the priest holding The Bible represents God and leads the couple (representing King and Queen of their kingdom) around the table by the hand. The Cumbaro / Cumbara follow behind. This symbolizes that the couple’s lives are now intertwined, they are one, not two.  We are all united, part of the family of God.  This is why when one part of the body hurts, the whole body hurts.

CHURCH GUIDELINES

The Cumbaro / Cumbara must be Orthodox Christians in good standing with the church (as should be at least one of the spouses). This is because the Cumbaro / Cumbara represents the church community, specifically the married members. As a Sacrament, marriage is a community event and the community is to be represented. No one (or couple) is an island to him/her/their selves.

Likewise, the Betrothal and Crowning are done in the church building, where other marriages are and have been performed to represent the community aspect of the Sacrament.

As a community Sacrament, the married couple is deemed to become part of the community as a joined entity and to continue to partake of the Sacraments over the course of their lives.  A Sacraments is not a one-time event but as for the community a dynamic, loving, breathing continuum.  The Sacraments are given to those “good standing” who are in the rhythm of the Church.

Marrying Orthodox and non-Orthodox:  Marriage in the Orthodox Church requires that at least one of the marrying spouses be a member in good standing.  The Church will consecrate a marriage between Orthodox and non-Orthodox spouses, provided that the non-Orthodox spouse is a Trinitarian Christian (e.g. baptized in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit). However, the non-Orthodox spouse cannot receive the other Sacraments of the Church, even at his/her funeral.  If the second spouse is non-Trinitarian or non-Christian, the marriage can not be performed in the Orthodox Church.

JOURNEY TOWARDS THEOSIS

A believer’s spiritual journey of growth includes nepsis or education, learning the faith, opsis, or illumination where the learning is processed and digested and the believer is opened spiritually and intellectually and finally, enosis or union with God where the believer advances on his/her spiritual journey to become God-like and in union with God.

FOS Summaries are synopses of discussions points, organized and presented conceptually, in a session's dialogue and Q&A among Fr. Frank and FOS participants.  The Summaries' authors further elaborate on certain ideas from a theme offered by Fr. Frank.  All Summaries are approved by Fr. Frank prior to e-mail distribution.  Past summaries can be found on the Cathedral website at http://www.thecathedral.goarch.org/FOSSummary/.