FOS SUMMARY - The Lord of the Rings-Living the Sacraments
Marriage (Part III): The Model vs. the Pitfalls
by Dorothy Poli & Daniel Padovano & Helen Tellas
November 25, 2008
The Panagia is the prime example for men and women. She is the person of prominence in the Orthodox Church. She presents us with two ways of relating to God.
1. The first in her way of saying “yes” to the Holy Spirit, this in agreeing to bear the child of God.
2. The Panagia’s assent is unconditional and unwavering; it is a total submission and acceptance. It is a full and total response and acceptance on her part.
3. By giving her assent; the Panagia becomes the Theotokos – the bearer of God. As such, she becomes The
We are reminded that each of us, created in the image and likeness of God, is a living eikon and as such we should treat each other as a Christoforos (Christ bearer).
In her acceptance, a response of total submission and trust in God, Mary, the Panagia, Theotokos is second on the eikonostasis, immediately next to her son Jesus Christ the Theoanthropos.
Fr. Frank related how many people are seeking “virgins” as their spouse; yet they have had multiple sexual partners in their lives. It is an ironic double standard, to say the least. He also told us that empirical studies support that more serious issues arise between couples who have had multiple partners prior to marriage than with couples who did not.
Secular psychologists seem to favour multiple partners as a form of experience. In contrast, Fr. Frank pointed out that marriages based on Christ stand longer and stronger than this not based in Christ.
In the marriage ceremony,
Although not read in the ceremony, the beginning of Ephesians is an exhortation for us “to submit to one another out of reverence to Christ” (Eph. 5:2). It is a call to service, loyalty and protection.
One must be mindful that readings are periscopes or brief sections of an epistle (or gospel) and must not be taken on their own, but within the context of the larger writing. As an example, Eph 5:22 is not just to mean that wives are to be submissive to their husbands – there is much more; the husband has his responsibilities as well.
Later in the same chapter (5), wives are called to submit to their husbands (verse 22), however, the onus is on the husband. The husband is called to love and serve his wife (in the same way Christ is the husband to the church). The husband is responsible for his wife’s well being, physical, emotional and spiritual. (The Greek word for cherish is to cover/protect.) He is also her protector. The latter part of Ephesians chapter 5 is like a laundry list of what the husband is called to do. The husband is asked to love the woman to the point of death. The wife is not asked to do this. The way a man treats his wife is the way is directly related to the way he feels about himself. Communication and mutual respect for one another are how the couple is to relate to each other. The relationship should be “what can I do for you”, not “do this” or “I need this”. Christ came to serve us but never lost His authority.
This idea of serving the wife ran opposite to the practice of both ancient Greek and Hebrew lifestyles at the time of Christ. In 1st century Christianity, the Church gives women more authority. It is said that women gave the first testimony. It was actually in non-secular society where women were seen as lowly – a possession. Following what Jesus taught and
Fr. Frank referred to this as “servant-leadership”, an idea in business management. Basically, the theory is that the institution (business enterprise, church, marriage) is stronger and more functional if the leadership also serves. Companies thrive when leaders help others individuals realize their talents and skills. In a healthy marriage, the couple serves each other. The children see this and replicate this. Instead of being the “lord of the manor”, it is better for the household if the lord takes out the garbage or does the dishes. The household responsibilities become shared; each spouse relying on and trusting in each other. This also includes self sacrifice as each partner will need to give up a part of the self (or self desires) to please and accommodate the other.
The man leaves the protection of his parents home and becomes “of one flesh” with his wife, to serve and protect her. Husbands are called to protect the wife as Christ protects the church. One needs to remember that Eve was taken from Adam’s rib – from his side, from under the arm near where the heart is. The husband is to love and if need be shield his wife with his arm and side.
The Four Loves in Marriage:
1. Sacrificial Love, the emptying of the self like Jesus did for us (serving).
2. Sanctifying Love which is nurturing, nourishing. This where you help someone become better; i.e. fostering their own development.
3. Satisfying Love has both a physical and emotional element. Physically enjoying each other and emotionally enjoying the times spent together.
4. Self-Considering Love which is where you love your spouse as yourself.
The Ten Pitfalls of Marriage:
1. Exclusivity leading to jealousy. The relationship between the couple becomes so exclusive that all other relationships become subordinate to a point where one spouse gets jealous of any other people close or appearing close to the other spouse. This can include children, other relatives and friends or business acquaintances. On the other hand, making him or her jealous at a party by giving your attention elsewhere is a dangerous pitfall. He or she must feel that they are your top priority. For example, putting children first is also incorrect as this is refocused love.
2. Misunderstanding; not understanding what the other spouse is saying. We may hear, but not comprehend or misinterpret what is being stated. One way to avoid this is by repeating what the other person said in a question, for example, “What I am hearing you say is____. Is that right?” We need to understand that we are different.
3. Not having shared interests and hobbies. Hobbies are important. They create community. Time should be spent together. Having separate interests is bad as it separates the couple, more so if these interests include other people. We should watch the same TV programs. Fighting over the remote leads to 2 different TVs; then 2 different rooms.
4. Not being best friends; similar to four but this also includes communication and being able to stay with each other in quiet as well as active times. This has to be structured in the relationship.
5. Trying to change your spouse. Why enter into a relationship / marriage if you see things in your spouse you do not like? People aren’t going to change because you want them to. Forcing a change is self-centered and self-serving creating disharmony and problems. Accept your spouse for who he / she is. By the same token, we should ask our spouse, “Am I pleasing to you?” Honest dialogue between the spouses is essential and requires a change in our actions and behavior, if not thinking in order to fully understand our spouse. This may mean making changes.
6. Lack of Tenderness; holding hands and not doing something always for an end result.
7. Validation; the open expression of emotions. We need to appreciate and not take your spouse for granted. Tell your spouse “I love you”; “I appreciate you”; hold hands whatever, let him / her know that you care.
8. Giving up. Don’t do it; be strong, endure. Marriage is a commitment; a living thing. It needs time, patience and love.
9. Sharing with household responsibilities; chores, and the day to day things any home needs to be done in order to maintain it.
10. Rehashing number 1; don’t be jealous. We are social beings and will be in multiple social settings. There are friends and close relatives on both sides. Be respectful of that and trusting of your spouse.
Questions:
1. What about tattoos and body piercings?
The church views the body as a
2. Is a brutish husband reflective of his own attitudes towards himself?
This is a psychological issue and could be. How we act is representative of how we see ourselves. It is important that we hold a good self image and world view.
3. One attendee (a child care giver) noted that today’s children hold little or no respect. Another attendee noted that lack of communication is also a problem; people and kids seem to talk to each other, but not listen. Father related an incident he had with an irate driver at 96th and 2nd and the driver made an inappropriate gesture and then retracted and apologized when he saw Father’s collar. Again a point on the double standard; would the driver have been as apologetic if Father had been wearing his collar?
4. Fr Frank pointed out that marriage meets a need for salvation especially for arrogant people. Those more spiritual may not need to be married to be saved. A married couple grows in the image and likeness of God. In doing so, they find the fulfillment in serving and being there for each other on an intimate level. Single people can find a similar fulfillment by serving others, but without the intimacy inherent between a married couple.
5. What does one do with an un-believing spouse? First response; why get involved at all, if this will or may be an issue after saying: “I do”. Especially if that might mean the believing spouse tries to change the unbelieving spouse. Remember that
6. Will the church baptize a child who is non-Orthodox? Yes. The church will not penalize a child and will perform the baptism, however, the child’s sponsors must be members in good standing of the Orthodox church.