FOS SUMMARY - The Lord of the Rings-Living the Sacraments
Marriage (Part II): Salvation Through Another Person
by Dorothy Poli & Daniel Padovano & Helen Tellas
18 November 2008
In a marriage rooted in God, the spirit transforms over the course of the marriage from one of individual selfishness to sacrificial togetherness. Sacrificial love is the image and likeness of God. It is in the expression of unconditional, self-sacrificing God-like love in which one can find ultimate fulfillment.
Marriage should be entered into with an aim of what one is willing to give more than what one gets. (If not, children will demand this in a stark way anyway.) Marriage can heal the individual’s secret issues and selfish and controlling urges. Unfortunately, divorce is abandonment of not only the relationship but also of an individual’s opportunity for healing and restoration.
The Distortion of Adam and Eve:
The brokenness that Adam and Eve introduced when they separated from God and from each other is manifested in some of these common complaints of marriage:
1. Lack of communication.
2. Fear of losing individuality and freedom (not committing, giving or opening oneself to the other).
3. The “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” syndrome.
4. Desire and perception vs. image and reality.
5. Comparison to other couples vs. gratitude of one’s own blessings.
Further distortions in post-modernism sees traditional marriage as outdated. Society takes on God’s role and recreates relationships and family to suit our own needs and desires. Examples are living together outside of marriage, same sex marriage / unions and other situations. (In these situations mercy and not judgment should be expressed). These constructs are disfigured and dysfunctional as man and woman seek on their own that only which can be fulfilled by God alone.
Yearning for Fulfillment:
Thirst and hunger are basic instincts for survival, yet no matter how much we satisfy these two basic needs, we always need and seek more. Many other things in life follow the same pattern: (clothing, residences, vacations, power, jewelry, position etc.). The Arts, for instance, (listening to a concert, or seeing an exhibit) satisfies one deep inside, beyond the physical realm. We feel completed, yet still want more, but on a more internal (personal, spiritual and intellectual) level.
Our need for God exists in a similar fashion. We humans are constantly seeking that type of complete fulfillment. A deep (intimate) relationship with another person is akin to a relationship with God.
Orthodoxy holds and teaches that when we are connected with other people, we are experiencing the image of God in other people. Each of us is a living icon of God. When we build intimate relationships with others, we experience God. A Zulu saying also states that: “A person is a person because of other people.” i.e. one finds oneself in the presence of and interaction with another. We do not exist in a vacuum; we are social beings, not solitary islands.
In our youth, we are made beautiful in order to gravitate toward each other because we are immature and not yet wise. As we age, if we mature and become wiser, as outer beauty begins to fade, the relationships we develop become based on the deeper, inner qualities and less on the external, physical ones. Just as the body is of a temporal nature so is its accompanying fulfillment. However, deeper fulfillment occurs in the spirit, at any age. As relationships evolve, they grow just as we do.
Marriage helps us blend into the image and likeness of our spouse. However, this only happens for those who open themselves willingly to this change and growth. If not, then we stray, separate and grow apart.
For either gender, casual sex is spiritually detrimental in its selfish use of another for one’s satisfaction, enjoyment and purposes. It becomes the defamation of a living icon of God in each person. Without committed love, there is less kindness, respect or sacrifice, just “me”. In essence, man and woman act as God exercising total control.
In the Orthodox marriage rite, the couple asks the Church to restore the original state of love, fullness, sacrifice and completion that we all seek. Sexual union, under God’s blessing, symbolizes God’s creation. In this most intimate expression man and woman act in God’s image and likeness – that in being able to create life.
Consecration:
When an Orthodox church is consecrated, the Bishop washes the church with water, oil and a towel.
A marriage is a consecration of a relationship between a man and a woman. In marriage, the new couple founds a new house and also a new church. As such, the husband assumes the role of priest of the new church. His responsibility is to attend to his wife (symbolizing the Church). In doing so, he is to cleanse her with spiritual things; “the words of God”.
The husband bears the greater responsibility as his selflessness includes sacrificing his life for his wife. In the same way Jesus gave His Life for His Bride, the Church.
The Gospel reading for the wedding ceremony is the
After their arrival, the wine began to run out (one interpretation is that this happened due to six extra guests – Jesus and his disciples). The wine running out could be both embarrassing and costly to the new couple. Not only is not having enough wine and food a social faux-pas, I Old Testament times, guests could sue hosts at a celebration like this if food and drink were not available.
When Mary asks Jesus to do something as there is no wine (John 2: 3-4), Jesus tells her “it is not yet my time”.
Jesus instructs them to fill the 6 water jugs (at that point, empty). They do so and when one of them gives some to the wine steward, the wine steward surprised at the quality of the wine comments that the “finest wine has been saved for the end” (v.11).
Church tradition holds that these are acts of obedience: filling the water jugs and giving the wine to the wine steward was what changed the water to wine. Church tradition also holds that the six jugs represented the five disciples accompanying Jesus and the sixth representing the groom at the wedding who was Simon the Zealot (zealot as he left the wedding and his wife to follow Jesus for the three years of Jesus’ public ministry and then returned to her).
The “wine of the world” will run out of the marriage for a couple whose union does not have Jesus at its center. Without the spiritual connection and selflessness to each other, the marriage becomes strained and the couple risks becoming separate leading to the dissolution of that marriage.
During the wedding, the priest offers wine to the couple exhorting to “come and taste how sweet the Lord is”. The wine, symbolizing the sweetness of marriage, also recalls that it is Jesus who transforms and restores the couple and their marriage to a perfected state.
The Sacrament of Marriage – the Fulfillment of the Six Water Jugs:
1. Knowledge -The blessing of the rings. This is the betrothal part and begins with the priest saying: “Blessed is the
2. Obedience – Holding the candles. The candles represent Jesus, the light of the world. These candles should be, if possible our baptismal candles. If not, the candles still represent our baptism and our journey in life. The wedding is a marker in our life’s journey and our candle is the (spiritual) light illuminating our path under God’s care and guidance. Our baptismal candle should follow us throughout our lives.
3. Sharing with others – the “Wow” experience. This is the blessing of the couple. At this point, the couple is consecrated and filled with the knowledge of and obedience to God; they now have the “wine of God”. The couple receives the Grace of Jesus (represented by the wine); Jesus’ Grace is the marriage dowry.
4. Sacrifice. The Crowning and the Dance of Isaiah – The couple is crowned and led around the altar table three times by the priest. This is reminiscent of ancient times when there were several days between the Betrothal and Wedding. The priest would lead he couple to their house or their new kingdom. It is also symbolic of Jesus’ fulfilled role as Bridegroom of the Church by His Resurrection on the third day. Just as Christ willingly surrendered Himself for the Church (us); the couple now surrenders themselves to each other now symbolized by their “crowns of glory”.
5. After the Dance of Isaiah, the crowns are removed. The crowns are to be taken home and displayed in a place of honor, maybe by the iconostasis at home or by the bed.
6. Destiny. An Orthodox marriage is eternal, both on earth and in heaven. The couple will continue to grow as will their intimacy. The crowns are a metaphor of Jesus’ parable of the servants entrusted with the talents by their master. At the Judgment, if the couple has lived their marriage within its sacramental nature, they will have their crowns given to them by Jesus hopefully hearing: “well done, faithful servant”. In this, then, the crowns represent their common destiny as husband and wife.
In the hereafter, relations between people, including husband and wife will be different (i.e. even deeper) than on earth because in heaven, all will be as the angels.
Divorce & Remarriage
By the “economia” (mercy and forgiveness for our weaknesses) of the Church, an Orthodox member (in good standing) is allowed to divorce and remarry, up to three times. Second and third marriages become more “penitential” and therefore, not all aspects of the ceremony are performed, such as the Dance of Isaiah. Again, by the economia of the Church, if the marriage is the first for one person of the couple then these components of the ceremony are performed.
Divorce is granted by the Church based on at least one of 9 reasons. One reason is abandonment. If a couple separated and one spouse left for two years, the spouse who was abandoned can petition for a divorce.
Marriage, by its nature is transformative and living. It is an opportunity for sharing, growth and knowledge of each other and also of oneself. As such, it needs constant attention and requires that both spouses be willingly open, committed, respectful and responsive of and to each other. The give and take is to be shared, not suffered by or lauded over each other.
FOS Summaries are synopses of discussions points, organized and presented conceptually, in a session's dialogue and Q&A among Fr. Frank and FOS participants. The Summaries' authors further elaborate on certain ideas from a theme offered by Fr. Frank. All Summaries are approved by Fr. Frank prior to e-mail distribution. Past summaries can be found on the Cathedral website at http://www.thecathedral.goarch.org/FOSSummary/.